There are days when it is all you can do to simply be what you are needed to be. No more, and God help you if you are less. You feel tired, alone, sad, and you know that you are about to miss something important any minute now and so you keep on your guard to prevent it, but of course all that happens are minor screw-ups.
I started the day with a prayer. God, please help me to not give into temptation. Please give me the strength to get out of bed. To get to work on time. To honor You. That was hard for me. To make that choice was really hard. I am not great at the discipline of prayer.
I had not slept well, and have not slept well for around a month. I don't expect to sleep well tonight. Sleep deprivation is cumulative; if you miss some, you need to gain it back or you will begin to suffer. Miss some more, and it adds up. Miss enough, and you may as well be drunk. I have missed quite a bit. I think today was a "tipsy" day. I got to work on time. Yay. Logged in. Cool. But everything I did was sub par, at least for me. I had Boss-man call and walk me through something I really should have known. He was kind about it, just training me, but I felt embarrassed.
I got a little snippy in an e-mail exchange over something that I know won't change in other peoples habits, and I didn't get as much done as I probably could have gotten done. All through out the day I just wanted to sit and cry for no real reason I could find.
I went to the store. Got some food and a candle. And a cheap pitcher, cause all my old pitchers broke. (note to self, vet roommates before moving in.) Came home to my cat. He ignored me.
It has been, as my mom said, a very blah day. Everything was just... blah.
I am making an effort to remind myself that this morning I did something new. I prayed before I got out of bed.
And God heard me.
Hold on to that in the sad days. The blah days. The crazy sad horrible days.
God hears us. If nothing else goes right, if all we trust in goes away, we can pray to a God who hears us, who listens, and who cares. We do not serve a God who abandons us but instead watches us like mother watches her child. He wraps us in His coat on a cold day, covers us in His love and we will never know how bad it could have been because when we pray He hears us.
Hear a just cause, O LORD; attend to my cry!
Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit!
From your presence let my vindication come!
Let your eyes behold the right!
You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night,
you have tested me, and you will find nothing;
I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.
With regard to the works of man, by the word of your lips
I have avoided the ways of the violent.
My steps have held fast to your paths;
my feet have not slipped.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words.
Wondrously show your steadfast love,
O Savior of those who seek refuge
from their adversaries at your right hand.
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings,
from the wicked who do me violence,
my deadly enemies who surround me.
They close their hearts to pity;
with their mouths they speak arrogantly.
They have now surrounded our steps;
they set their eyes to cast us to the ground.
He is like a lion eager to tear,
as a young lion lurking in ambush.
Arise, O LORD! Confront him, subdue him!
Deliver my soul from the wicked by your sword,
from men by your hand, O LORD,
from men of the world whose portion is in this life.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.
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